From reading the posts on this site it would appear that all I think about is dementia. It would appear that it effects my every waking moment. That could not be farther from the truth. Most of the time I don't think about it at all, and am completely unaware of any effects from it. I don't notice anything different. I feel completely normal, and I see myself as I have always been.
It just so happens that the part of the brain which keeps track of how you are doing - the part that gives feedback and self assessment - is located in the Frontal Lobes. It is actually a symptom of bvFTD to not notice anything is wrong. From what I have read, as it progresses this gets worse, and contributes to unwanted behaviors because subjectively they seem normal no matter how bizarre they may be.
When I look at myself, and examine my dementia, it is as if I were looking at someone else. I am very detached from my own condition. It is like I am looking at an interesting bug through a magnifying glass. The glass may be clouded or distorted sometimes, but it is the only glass I have. Most of the time, I am not looking, or even aware the bug exists.
What this means is that subjectively I do not feel any different. It is only when some very obvious change comes to my attention, or is pointed out to me, that I notice anything at all. I finally noticed that I could not do mental math, but it was probably going on for months or years before I finally noticed. I just wasn't aware of it and used a calculator for everything. I just automatically adjust and create work-arounds without ever noticing I did it.
It amazes me that I have had a drop of 30 points in my IQ without ever noticing it happened. I still have a huge collection of knowledge, I just can't use it as well as I used to. Subjectively even big changes like that look normal from my perspective because I still see me as I was before - at least most of the time I do.
That is not denial. That is truly the way my brain is telling me I am. That reflects my impaired assessment of ME.
Denial is different. I have that too.
I still sometimes question whether or not I have bvFTD. I still feel normal to me. I think it is just a bad dream, and I will wake up and everything will be back to the way it was.
Most people would never notice anything is wrong with me at all. At least I don't think they would. So, if nobody can see anything wrong, maybe nothing is.
Well, I know different, and the evidence is right there in front of me. I have heard it from my Family Doctor, my Neurologist, and a couple of Neuropsychologists. These little side trips of actual denial do not last long.
Most times I just bounce along through life - fat, dumb, and happy - like I always have, completely unaware of any changes.